10 Rules For Thanksgiving Dinner At My House.

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10 years 9 months ago #1 by demonicdreamz
1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it?" Ask one more question and I will punch you in your fucking mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.



2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your fucking ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.



3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses outside and you can bring their food out to them. They are not gonna fuck up my house this year. Tell them that they are not allowed inside until it's time to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come inside for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their ass.



4. If you must, I will allow one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner. Just one. We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that shit for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is ten seconds. If you are still talking after those ten seconds are, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.



5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and told to keep your greedy ass home next year.



6. Bring your own tupperware. Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my stuff knowing damn well that I will never see it again. Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding resulting in you getting smacked in the fucking mouth.



7. Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. Everybody will be subjected to a body search coming and going out of my domain.



8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a daycare center. There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside in the garage until you come and get him or her. After 2 hours, I will call DSS on your ass and put your children up for adoption.



9. Book your hotel room before you come into town. There will be no sleeping over at my house. You are to come and eat dinner and take your happy ass home, or to your hotel room. Everybody gets kicked the fuck out at 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.



10. Last but not least, one plate per person. This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner. You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Visa and Mastercard are now being accepted.

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10 years 9 months ago #2 by rattlehead
Jesus christ what crawled up your ass and revealed that there truly is no such thing as Santa Claus?. j/k lol

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